To Ask or Not To Ask

You would think that asking for what you want in a relationship would be easy wouldn’t you? After all this is a person you love, and who loves you.

Okay, maybe I am assuming a little. Maybe you don’t know that much about one another at all. Possibly it’s a fling, or a situationship.

In any of these instances you are looking for something! Love, comfort, intimacy… sex!!!

Did anyone notice the last thing I mentioned? Let’s talk about sex baby! ( I’m a GenXer, sue me) Look, there are so many articles talking about how to talk to your partner about sex, what you want and how to get it. I could tell you what to do and how to do it all day long but I think we need to talk about why we still aren’t doing it.

Without a doubt sex is still one of the most secret and shameful things to talk about. Honestly it boggles my mind. All of us (okay there are a few exceptions) are formed from the very act of intercourse. That can not be a mystery to anyone at this point. The reason for our existence is sex yet we can’t talk about it or enjoy it.

You may be asking yourself at this point, what is her point? I am getting to it. Asking for what you want sexually is the right thing to do, the best thing to do and will ultimately lead you to a happier, more fulfilled you! No matter what the relationship status quo.

So why aren’t we talking about what we want with the people it matters the most with? Fear, shame, my momma told me to be a good girl, respectful boy, I have body issues, I don’t think I deserve more, and the list goes on. Someone, somewhere at some point indoctrinated you in regards to sex. Those became the rules for you. You were young and impressionable but here is the thing: you are an adult now and you have to decide for yourself what it is you truly want. I mean, at some point you decided you were never going to eat Lima beans again right? So, the same rules apply.

I know it’s difficult, but the bottom line is you have to think for yourself. Parents, church, religion, all great things – but none of them are the ones knocking sounds out of you that make the neighbors jealous (at least I hope not, a little judgement).

First order of business, what do you like? Yes, that is what I asked. You can’t say you want his tongue in your fairy hole and not know if you actually like that or not.

Gentlemen? That goes for you as well! Stop hating on things your partner wants to try if you have never experienced them.

So, what am I saying? You are the first person you need to experiment with. Touch yourself! Get some lube, oils, dim those lights or keep them on but caress, spank, pinch and tickle your way to the knowledge you need. Watch porn but please remember the people are actors and swinging from a tightrope naked while the plumber unclogs you might not happen the way you think it will!

Now, you have an ides of what you actually like. You want to tell your partner. I personally would just whisper in his ear that I really want his tongue on my clit, but I would also shout that across the room, In fairness I am going to say you have to think about how you want to share this with your partner in a way that is comfortable for you. What makes you comfortable? A place? Clothes? Music? Weed? A drink? Are you in a romantic environment or does a sticky note sound good? A text? I think you are getting what I am saying. There are many ways in which we can tell someone something and be really honest.

Example: “Babe, I really want to suck your cock outside tonight but it seems like you are shy about it? Maybe when it gets dark it would better for you? Something we can talk about?” Sticky note, text.

He could still say no, but at least you asked and now can talk about it. Maybe get to the reason why its an issue for him. You could find out he was getting a BJ in the woods once and got caught, and now he worries about getting caught. Don’t ask, won’t know.

Now sometimes it can be tricky and there are some deep issues that come up. Look, we all have them. Truth is if you are getting nekkid with someone the first thing you should be doing is having that consent convo and telling each other a few things. Boundaries, hard no’s and absolutes.

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There isn’t an article in the world that will fix deep seated issues, fears, or concerns – but I do hope with a little humor you see that sex is a wonderful, fun, fully acceptable erotic experience. Talk about it with your partner and friends. Take it out of the shadows and let the stigma and shame of it fade away. You are an innately sexual being.

Now its possible you can’t talk to them because you aren’t with the right person. If you can’t ever see yourself say “Baby, I wanna be fucked tonight” (fine , you can be less vulgar, but you get the point!), then perhaps you aren’t with the right person.

For all of those that find themselves writing out a sticky note or sending a text later, good for you! For the rest? It will come to you when the time is right.

Keep it sticky and wet



About Jennifer Stephan

Relationship and Sex Coach, iPEC Coaching – Certified Professional Coach, International Coach Federation, Energy Leadership Index, Master Practitioner, COR.E Wellbeing Dynamics Specialist

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